Facts of Life

2005-08-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

Camping

Got back from camping with my friends and I had a wonderful time. My buddies and I have been camping there for 14 years now and it has been a great time every year. It's funny though how each one of us relaxes and has fun. One guy will smoke himself into a comma and just relax, another friend likes to just hang out have a beer and lay at the beach, and my other friend likes to be a bit active but nothing to over the top. As for me, I get up early to hunt or fish, go for hikes, and go rafting. I like to think that I am an active participant with nature. There is nothing like taking in the scenery while you are being an active participant.

Wish that those of you from the LC could have gone but there are other years. If you guys haven't gone camping in a while I highly recommend it. There is something about no TV, limited radio, and isolation that is refreshing. I know that I am always happiest in the mountains. Problems are put into perspective and seem a lot smaller. I hope everyone is enjoying their vacation.

How does a hiking trip sound to TLC? I know of a nice day hike. It is only a few miles from everyone and we could have a little picinic up there. Let me know what you guys think. We always talk about getting together but then never do it. So lets set something up and NO FLAKING.

2005-07-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Time to Go....

When is it our time to go? What I mean by that is do we all have a time to die? Point in case, Celina was in an accident on her bike the other day that wasn't serious but very well could have been. Was she lucky or was it that it wasn't her time to go? I have many exmples of this in my own life but the most dramatic was a time that I honestly tried to commit suicide and pulled the trigger but the gun misfired. Was I lucky or was it not my time?

I started thinking about all these things life, death, the fullfilment of our lives. This is what I came up with. We should never regret. The things in our lives no matter how good or bad help to shape us into the people that we are today. Live everyday like it will be your last. If there is a relationship that we value we should not let it be taken for granted. Make amends, say sorry even if you think you did nothing wrong. Trust me you feel better about yourself because at least you know you did everything you could to make amends. Feel good about yourself. We all can look a bit better but for those that I know and even the people I don't find a reason to love yourself and run with it. Just think how sad it would be if you wanted to tell a person something that you felt was important and you couldn't find the words or time and then either you or they died.

Here is my old and now new mantra, "LIFE IS A GAME PLAY IT TO YOUR FULLEST"

2005-07-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

Crossroads.

Today I had class and my professor approaches me about talking to our guest speaker. She is the assistant principal at a school in Chino. We talked for a bit and she tells me that she would try and see if she could help to find me a teaching job in Chino. Am I ready to leave the LC, take another step out on my own, leave the friendships that I have built? I honestly do not know.

Last week was a weird one for me. Celina and Mychy were at a confrence, Wendy only ate lunch with me twice so that left me with Ron and Jenny. The company was good but something was missing. I actually saw what my next school year is going to be like. You guys, or should I say ladies, have really become an important part of my life. I just hope that when I finally leave that we can some how all stay friends.

I hope all of you have a great weekend. Snowflake if you need someone to talk to pick up the phone we are just a call away and I promise I will make more of an effort to call you.

2005-07-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Why Does Love HURT?

We look for love our entire lives. One day hoping that all the wrong turns will enventually take us down that path that is true, honest love. Does it exist? Can two complete strangers learn to forsake themself for the love of a person that is not a part of them? I honestly think so.

Loving your family, parents, children, siblings is easy. They are a part of us and we of course love ourselves. But to love a person who a few months or years ago had nothing to do wiht your life. Is it possible?

Here is my probelm. As you all know, I had an affair on my first wife. So am I going to reap what I sowed. Is wife #2 going to make me feel the way I made wife #1 feel. God I hope not. You see I destroyed that woman, honestly. My dilema lies in the fact that I have found true live with wife#2 but we have been quickly growing apart. No matter what I try things are just not working out. Should I call it quits? Hell NO!! I hate quitters, plus my beliefs will not let me divorce unless she is unfaithful.

Am I now creating the idea that she is unfaithful to give myself a reason to give up on my marriage? More questions no answers. Their is only one thing that I am sure of I am not a quitter.

Well fellow bloggers I just needed to write. I feel better, hopefully the marriage will be better.

2005-07-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

Time to Forget

After reading Jayna's blog, I started thinking about how lucky I am. Here we live in a suburb of a major city and yet I hunt, fish and camp in places where I will never see another person for days. I am able to see wilderness areas that most people don't even know exist.

I then think how sad it is that many of my students have never seen what the night sky looks like with out the distortion of city lights, watched the fire dance against the black night sky, or have the joy of watching the sun rise over the mountains.

These students instead see people drinking, doing drugs, fights. Instead of hearing the chirping of birds, they hear the sounds of gunfire. The only grass they see is that mixed in with the dirt out in the PE field. Instead of experiencing the excitement that comes from catching a fish or climbing a mountain, they have the excitement of drugs, alcohol and fights.

Wouldn't it be great to share these places with the students open up their eyes to the beauty of the world and what is available to them. It's like what Jayna said a place where the kids can just forget about their problems and just be a kid.

2005-06-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

It really felt like the END
But its Not

The school year is over. It has come to an end. Another chapter in my life has ended a new one is ready to begin.

The last day of school. Normally a joyful time for both teacher and student. It wasn't. This was the end of the LUNCH CLUB as we know it. It felt so weird. Knowing that on tuesday Snowflake and Pornstar won't be there. I was telling Celina how I felt an emptiness. I didn't know why but it was there.

I know why now. A part of me is leaving with Snowflake and Pornstar. I was thinking about what Amy said "You've already replaced me." This couldn't be farther from the truth. No one can replace Snowflake or Pornstar.

I was watching King Arthur and I saw what the Lunch Club will sadly oneday be, an empty table. Snowflake and Pornstar are only the beginning. I became pretty sad with this thought but then it hit me only the table will be empty because those of you in the Lunch Club will always help to fill my heart.

Ames, Jayna just remeber that when you feel like no one out there understands you, we do. Friendships only end if we allow them to. The friends I have from TLC will not end because I will not allow them to. Hopefully none of you will either.

I never thought that I could build such strong friendships in such a short period of time.

2005-06-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

It's Time to take RESPONSIBILITY

Just had one of the best conversations of my life with my wife. Funny thing is this could have been one of those great arguments. Rene, my wife, has known me for seven years. It is pretty safe to say she knows me pretty well. During our conversation, we talked about why she fell in love with me and why she no longer feels like she is in love with me. Don't freak it this happens in a relationship if you are in one long enough. And I realized it was because I need to take some responsibility in my life.

You see I would always try and avoid the argument. If she wanted to do something I would always try to appease her even if I knew that it wasn't something that we should do or could afford to do. I thought that by giving her way I was losing a battle but would win the war. Fact of the matter is, I was wrong. I was becoming the man that I thought she wanted and not the man that I am.

I feel like I live a double life. The life I have in my relationships and my private life. The relationship life is the one you all know, carefree, relaxed and well a bit sex driven. Then there is my private life , worried about the bills, the marriage, the kids and a man of God.

Why do I live this double life. Part of it is because I didn't know how to manage my life. I am great at advising all of you but what about taking my own advice. This is why I really like blogging. I get to read and reread what I have advised and I don't sugar coat it to apply to me.

I want to let all my friends know who I really am. So here it goes. I love the outdoors. I want to try and make those people that are important to me happy. I'm irresponsible, but I'm working on that part. I'm disorganized. You've seen my desk. I am a man of God.

I am very happy with the real me but I have a problem of allowing people to see who I really am. I try to be the person that I think others want me to be. For example, I have heard many times your different views on God and most of the time I remain silent because I don't want to offend you. Instead, I make a sexual comment or ignore the statement all together. But what I really want to say is you don't know what you are talking about. Don't worry I am not going to try and shove religion down your throat. You see I don't have religion, I have a relationship with God.

I haven't always been close to God. I've tried things my way. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But when I do things God's way it always seems to work. Now I am not trying to change your minds in your religious beliefs just trying to let you know that I may seem a bit different to you. I haven't changed it is just that I am finally going to take responsibility for myself and stop being the person I think everyone wants me to be and be the person who I really am.

2005-06-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

It's Time to Work At It

The problem with relatioinships is that they are so much damn work. We all have that dream of being with the perfect person and just meshing together beautifully. But that's all it is a dream. Just because you love someone does not mean you are going to love them every day.
Hell if we can't get along with our blood family all the time how are we supposed to get along with a perfect stranger most of the time.

I believe that a big piece to our relationships is our family history. For example, I was the peacemaker and still assume the role in my relationship. My mother is a strong woman, emotionally, and I am attracted to strong women. My wifes father is a big outdoorsman and so am I. We really seriously become involved with what we are familiar with. Here in lies the problem. We are bringing what is familiar from two families and making them one. It would be great if we only brought the good but that isn't the case.

We need to look at how we interact with our family and decide what we would like to take from that relatioinship into our personal relationships. More importantly, reckognize what we would not like to take from the family relationship into our personal relationship. This of course is the most difficult part. How do we become objective critics of ourselves?

2005-06-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we need others in our lives to point out the obvious? What are we all so afraid of?

I don't have any of the answers just more questions. When it comes to relationships for me I know I would rather be in one than not. I guess that's why I have been married twice.

I don't like the game that singles play. We have to put up a front to either get attention or become noticed then you either continue with the front and start a relationship that is bound to fail because you are not who you really are. The alternative isn't much better. You are who you are, you put the real you out there for everyone to see and deal with the fact that people are rejecting you for you. I guess this is why we put those fronts up because then we aren't the ones being rejected, it is the front. But wouldn't it be better for people to like and reject us for who we are instead of who we would like to be?

I guess this is why this marriage is working because my wife saw me and not who I thought she wanted to see. She has accepted me and all of my flaws, and believe me I am flawed. That makes me love her all the more. The relationship isn't perfect because we are not perfect but it works because we both accept the fact that we are flawed.

2005-06-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Here is the major fact of life. We are all searching for companionship. Strangely enough we've found it most of us just haven't realized it. Think about it, our friendships are what most of us would like to have in our relationships. Problem is our relationships often become clouded by sex.

Ah the age old problem. How can my friend be my lover or my lover be my friend?
If you need help on the friend to lover, that's a different blog but lover friend here it goes.

Be the person you are around your friends.
No more current secrets. Not the skeleton kind. The ones we have recently acquired while with the lover.
understand people don't make you happy, you make you happy. This is the hard one to do.
Final step, just be who you are. If your friends like you for who you are then your lover will too. If not to hell with them.